Take Charge of Your Health - Supporting Those You Love
Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another
Listening with the ears of another,
and feeling with the heart of another.
When a friend or family member is diagnosed with a serious health condition, often it is difficult to find the best words and ways to support and comfort them. Here are some thoughts that we hope you find helpful.
It is important to match your words and your support to the values and preferences of your loved one. What is most important to them, what do they love and care about, where are they in this health journey, what are the most difficult challenges they face now, how are they feeling about today, how are they feeling about their future? Asking questions about how they feel and what they are experiencing can help you better understand their most significant needs and how you can best assist and help care for them.
Be careful not to second guess their feelings or make assumptions or suggestions about their medical condition. This is best left to the medical experts. And be sure to respect their privacy - hold what your loved one says in confidence unless they say it is ok to discuss with others. Also be mindful that often people hear supportive messages from friends and family members when first diagnosed. It is a time when people proactively reach out. However, frequent communications can trail off as the patient moves through their journey. Staying in touch consistently, over time, sends the message that you are thinking of them and are “here to help.”
Although open communications are beneficial, it is important not to bombard and overwhelm your loved one with detailed questions. Instead focus on more general, open-ended questions that help them explore their feelings and priorities and remember listening is often the very best support you can provide. It demonstrates empathy – your ability to understand and share the feelings of someone else. The goal is to create a non-judgmental space where your loved one can be completely open about the way they feel and their wishes. The best communications are ones based in trust.
Listening without distractions and summarizing what is said can help assure your loved one you understand them and respect their feelings. It may be tempting to want to “fix” things and find solutions, but often it is best you let them retain control, make decisions, and voice their concerns, needs, and wishes in their own way and in their own time.
Some simple, positive, compassionate messages include:
I can’t imagine how you are feeling
Do you want to talk about how you are feeling
I am here to support you in any way that I can
It sounds like this has been a very difficult day for you, how can I help
I know this is a very tough time for you, but I am very taken by your courage and strength.
Messages to avoid include:
I know exactly how you feel
Everything happens for a reason
This must be part of God’s plan
This will undoubtedly make you stronger
I have no doubt you will be just fine.
Typically, there are lots of medical appointments and discussions for the first several weeks after a diagnosis, so it is helpful if you try to simplify the life of the patient and/or their caregiver(s). You may have good intentions and say, “Please let me know if you need anything” but in fact this puts the burden on them to reach out and contact you. Instead offer choices: “Perhaps I can shop for groceries, prepare meals, do laundry, run errands, enable the caregiver to take some breaks, and/or help with pet care…what sounds good to you?”
Often people who have recently been diagnosed with a serious condition find themselves looking for inspiration. You can offer to help them find books or apps that will encourage them and keep them positive during this difficult time. If they have questions about their medical condition, symptoms, treatment plan, or side effects, write them down in an organized way so they can ask their medical team. Offer to go with them to their appointments so you can write down the physician’s responses and keep them company. For most of us, the medical environment can be scary and a friendly face is appreciated. If there are supportive care resources you think fit with their values and preferences and might be helpful, share those when the time feels right. If the patient resists your offers of assistance, don’t be pushy, just reinforce that it is no trouble and that you would be happy to help.
Chances are as time goes on, your loved one will feel more comfortable opening up about how they feel and asking for your help.